Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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