I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
