This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
