haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
