Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
