I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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