did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
