She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we're making bets on your personal life
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
