it's too hot outside to masturbate.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
