can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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