It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
