ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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