i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
