I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
