New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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