It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I will be naked everywhere
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
