There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
