ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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