dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
