Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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