eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Is it because I queefed?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
