Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
