i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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