i just wanna soil my oats bro
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
