I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
