Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
