it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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