i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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