i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
