The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
