I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
