I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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