I think I just saw someone hide a body.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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