i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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