So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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