i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
