what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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