i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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