What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
