don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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