When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
