after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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