she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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