I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
