Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
