So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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