First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
