Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
