your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
