i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
