my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
