At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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