shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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