I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
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I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
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We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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