Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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