why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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