Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The Olympian is in my bed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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