im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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