Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
