I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
