how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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