I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
